One Saturday before Christmas I was stood on the Docklands Light Railway platform at Bank station when a lanky man rounded the corner onto the platform carrying a can of Special Brew and sporting an assortment of short-term facial injuries. He smelt strongly of alcohol and promptly approached me and initiated a conversation, which I tried to nonchalantly ‘go with’, confident that I’d find a way out without embarrassing myself in front of the other passengers or appearing offensive. It wasn’t going too well though, and before long he asked me where I was going.
I panicked, shot a boomerang glance at the tube map, and lied. 'London City Airport' I said.
‘Catching a plane are we? You don’t have any luggage’, he replied. What? These idiots aren’t supposed to have comebacks – secondary inane questions related to the first. Shit. What do I say now?
‘No, I’m just going to book a ticket’, I said – ha, gotcha, I’d recovered.
‘Why don’t you just go onto a computer and book your ticket online, isn’t that much cheaper?’ He’d cornered me again.
‘Well, I’ve actually already booked my ticket, but I have changed my plans and need to go to the ticket office at the airport to sort out my new arrangements – it’s quite complicated and I’d rather do it face-to-face than online or on the phone’, I replied.
He left the airport issue at that. But it wasn’t enough to see him off: the man, and his bad smell, was hanging around like, er, a bad smell.
As it happens, I did get rid of him rather smartly. He was still attempting a two-way conversation with me when a train arrived – but not the one I wanted (the DLR branches out into two lines and I needed the other branch). I stepped onto the train with him nonetheless, waited for the beeping noise that signals the imminent closure of the doors, and stepped off again, conjuring a moment of faux-realisation that I was on the wrong train. Nice one – off my friend went the other side of the glass train windows, Special Brew in hand, and I resisted the urge to offer him a cheeky Bon Voyage wave.
I’ve since thought about that brief encounter. Within fifteen seconds of conversation, I had concocted an elaborate lie about having booked at ticket to fly from London City Airport and having to subsequently travel to the airport to organise the changing of the booking in person because of its complexity. But this wasn’t all my doing. My disadvantaged friend had coaxed the story out of me. I had been outmanoeuvred by a drunken, irrational and confused vagabond who had forced my one little lie into a veritable pack of lies – a fictional trip abroad that had encountered planning problems. He had made me a liar; had forced me to deceive him and those around me – for there were the other passengers, whose slow-motion scarper had taken them to a safe distance to listen, but not participate. Did they see through my lies too? Did they pick up on the luggage thing straight-off like he did?
Part of me was curious as to how the conversation would have proceeded if this super-sleuth had continued his interrogation. Under the pressure of the public gaze, how long could I have kept it up before one of my lies caught up with me? But in reality, under the veneer of this slice of espionage glamour on the underground, I felt stupid. After all, I didn’t have to lie. Why couldn’t I be honest with the man in the first place? Why do I so often do this? Lie when asked simple, innocent questions by strangers? (A ‘can I help you sir?’ in a department store I almost always greet with a ‘no, I’m OK thanks’ even if I am in a rage that I can’t find what I’m after). What are the implications of such casual lying when considering how the day could have panned out – a terrorist incident, a crime at Bank station? But hang on, this guy was invading my privacy. Why should I have told him where I was going that morning? After all, I’m not telling you.
This is very much the thin end of an enormous wedge. It was immoral but harmless lying – which even some ‘huge’ lies can be. After all, it’s far less immoral to lie about having been at the cinema when you were in fact bludgeoning a lifelong adversary to death down a back alley than it is to, let’s say, earn a lot of money for lying to an entire generation about what they should view as culturally valuable. Perhaps that’s one to tackle in On Dishonesty (2).
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