Civil Liberties - Who Needs Them?

The word in Westminster is that Tony Blair is closer than ever to standing down as PM. How do I know this? All my contacts in the corridors of power of course - you might know them, they come into my living room every night after half past ten, and dish out all the gossip under the banner of Newsnight and This Week.

All this talk got me thinking about what exactly Tony and his 'New Labour' administration have done for us. Seeing Alistair Campbell and Jeremy Paxman thrash it out on Tuesday's Newsnight put me in mind of the great strides forward this government has made in the field of media relations. Now editors don't even have to waste time on journalism, they just get stories straight from the Downing Street press office, ready packaged and spun, and that's got to save time and resources and keep cover prices down.

Then the sad sight of poor old David Blunkett made me think of those ID cards, and how much I'm looking forward to having a nice shiny new piece of plastic in my wallet. It will mean that every time I get asked for ID in a bar, I won't have to produce my 'Provisional Driving License' - it was always an embarrassment revealing I haven't yet passed my driving test. What's more - it means that you can indulge in the old 'laughing at the passport photo' pastime every day and not just when you're at the airport, even the Al Qaeda terrorists can have a good laugh when they forge their own - 'You don't want to see my photo, it was taken the day after Osama's 30th birthday bash'.

But even more than this, I'm so pleased that the government is taking a stand against these pesky terrorists by introducing the new anti-terror laws. Who cares about the presumption of innocence and fundamental principles of no detention without trial established in the Magna Carta? After all, Tony keeps telling us that these terrorists are trying to attack our way of life and our principles of freedom, so it's a good job that he's stepping in there and doing that for them before they get a chance. The terrorists must be laughing all the way to the annual Al Qaeda Year of Achievement Dinner - 'I'd like to thank Tony Blair for helping us achieve our aims through the British legal system'.